Saturday, February 15, 2003
By now, you have probably heard or read the report that Hans Blix delivered to the UNSC yesterday. However, through undisclosed sources, Thinking Meat has been made aware that in the spirit of yesterday's holiday, Mr. Blix had intended to read a different report. What follows are the portions of that original report that we at Thinking Meat have been able to obtain and transcribe.

Inspections of Love

Hans Smoove Blix

Mr. President, prepare yourself for my report delivery. I have been preparing my report for you for two weeks, writing the most balanced words, selecting each phrase with care, lovingly correcting every typographical error caught by the Word spellchecker. I have traveled many times to the ancient Eastern city of Baghdad and spoken with Mr. Ramadan, who is the Vice-President, in search of truth that you were seeking. Mohammed El Baradei was there also.

Our expenses have been filed with the proper department, so that we may get reimbursed within 15 business days.

I have been studiously cataloging the labor of love that was being performed on my order by the inspectors working for you, who were wearing the lightest cotton blue hats with your logo, driving only the most fashionable Japanese SUVs with the initials of your organization. The SUVs were neither too old nor too flashy, but just the right SUVs to indicate that your organization is serious and respectable. They were white to avoid being mistaken for military vehicles, and the letters on them are black, so that they are seen most easily. It is thus that they demonstrate your neutrality and pride.

Some of the inspectors wore fedoras.

Guided faithfully by me, the inspectors you hired to inspect Iraqi compliance have been building up their inspecting capabilities, so that they may inspect for you at your pleasure. They selected the most renowned architects in the 100-mile radius of where they were, to build an office in Mosul that we will use to coordinate inspections in the region that corresponds to the office's location. The office was built out of the sturdiest yet most environmentally sound materials available through local contractors. When local contractors did not have materials that would please you, we traveled abroad to countries near and far away, to secure them and bring them with us, thus adding to the fineness of our offices. Even as I stupefy you with my unparalleled reportage, new plans are being drawn up to put up another such office building in the glorious sea-side town of Basra, where you may come to visit me and your inspectors whenever you please.

When you can no longer resist the urge to come and join me for several passion-filled weeks of inspections, you will be flown around in the most advanced Hercules L100 airplanes to travel between the wondrous cities of Baghdad and Larnaca. The airplanes have only the highest-skilled pilots from Germany and the most elegant flight attendants from France, and their service crews are the most dedicated mechanics from the U.S. and Canada, who have spent fifteen years honing their craft at various airports in their respective countries. Our eight helicopters will likewise be ready to take you wherever you wish to go, should you decide that helicopter is your preferred mode of transportation.

If you require immunizations, they will likewise be provided to you.

Tirelessly we have been improving our relations with the Iraqis whose weapons we are supposed to be inspecting, so that they may also learn of the amazingness of your neutrality. Using only the most silver-tongued negotiators trained for years in France and Belgium, we have come to a mutual understanding with the Iraqis that they better not be sending any more than one of their minders for every one of our inspectors. We did this because we knew that you would be impressed with our skills, which would make you want to give us more time.

Since you sent us to Iraq on our quest, our inspections have numbered more than there are days in a year, and the sites we covered slightly less. We did not give notice to the Iraqis when we were coming to inspect them, and they did not tell us that they knew or demonstrate it in some other obvious way. This shows our inspecting skills to be superior to all the other inspectors who have delivered reportage to you in the past. All of them are suckers when compared to Smoove Blix, and baby, you know I'm just telling you the truth.

. . .

Our skillful inspecting has filled our minds with a vast knowledge of the industrial and scientific landscape of Iraq, and its missile capability is in our mind also. But Iraq also has caves and corners, and some of them have not been made open to us. Still, this in no way interferes with our inspecting skills filling our heads with knowledge that we missed out on because we weren't putting our inspecting skills to use between December 1998 and November 2002. That was almost four years we had to go without inspecting, longing for the sweet sound of SUV engines, and the light and comfortable feel of your fine blue clothing, and each of those years was like a century to me.

Damn. I want to get a search on in a warehouse right now.

When we do find weapons of mass destruction, we neither let the Iraqis take them back nor just leave them lying around, but instead we destroy them. If they cannot be destroyed by us immediately, we put them under your seal, so that the Iraqis may be cowed by your logo, and not use them for their nefarious purposes. The Iraqis fear your logo, for it represents the neutrality and respectability that makes you you, Mr. President. I also admire those listed quantities that you possess.

. . .

People who are not all about what I feel when I do inspecting, often ask me just how long I think it will take to complete the inspections that I do for you. They clearly don't know that I, in my capacity as Chief Inspector, work with two goals in mind, both of which will lead to your total satisfaction. One of the goals that I pursue for you is finding all the weapons of mass destruction that Iraq possesses currently or at this time, and taking them away so that you may be pleased and praise me lavishly. My other task, which you have also assigned to me, is keeping Iraq from getting more weapons of mass destruction, which would not be the same as the ones I am trying to find now. I know you expect me to do both of those things, because they are in the mandates you have given me. This tells me you know the power of Smoove.

If you give me other expectations, I will attempt to fulfill those as well, unless they conflict with the tasks that I have already been assigned.

. . .

That is how the inspections of Iraq will go down.

Thank you, Mr. President.

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